Have you ever done something for so long that you stopped actively thinking about doing it? Like you stopped noticing that it's a thing you do until someone pointed it out. That's kind of what happened to me.
Okay, I know all that reads kind of ominously but bear with me. My self-growth in the past year has been a lot. And one of the things I realised I needed to change in myself was my self-talk. After I started therapy I started to not only learn more about how to better my mind and life, I started to actually implement ideas and concepts. I know, pretty wild, right? And then that’s when the cognitive dissonance began between who I was and who I was trying to be. Cognitive dissonance is used to describe mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. And that’s when I noticed it. How mean I was to myself.
I would always say I love myself because my mom always promoted that in me. She would tell me throughout my adolescent years that you have to love yourself before loving others and you have to love who you are because there is only one you. So to me, that was a no brainer. I loved myself. But through self-reflection, I started to realise that I may "love" myself but I didn't actually love myself. I was a full-on mean girl to myself.
I really was. I was mean, angry, I would put myself down, criticise every single negative thing about myself and my actions, blame myself for anything and everything, chastise myself. It was bad. And the worst is that I really never realised it until the new way of treating myself that my therapist was teaching me became a voice that started stepping in and standing up for me. The first time it happened I got a little scared because you know they say if you start hearing voices, big yikes. But then I realised it wasn't a stranger's voice. It was my own. It was that voice that is always there during the happy times but gets shut out by the mean girl during bad times.
It’s weird when you have to stand up to yourself but I really reached a point where there was no other choice. Option even. Because the more I grew, went to therapy, unpacked my past, healed myself, read self-help books, the louder that kind voice started getting. Being in a place where I’m focusing a lot on my inner work and my shadow self, I've come to terms that as much as both will always exist, the shadow self does not need to be so dark that it drags me down so much.
And trust me, I'm not perfect. There are still times when the mean voice starts up but now I practice noting, where I make a point to notice it and name it (ie when I get angry at myself, I pause and say, that's anger) and then I take a few deep breaths and scan my body to clear my mind. It only takes a minute and has been so helpful. (Major shoutout to headspace for that one.)
If you struggle with negative self-talk of any magnitude, I want you to know that you're not alone. And it's not detrimental. No matter how long your pattern of negative self-talk has been, it's totally possible to change it. It takes time and energy and effort but it's possible.
The tools to help with improving your self talk
✿ Self-help books — there are books out there for anything and everything. You can get really specific about what it is about yourself that your self-talk is mean about and learn ways to grow
✿ Meditation
✿ Good music
✿ Telling myself I love myself in the mirror
✿ Writing a list of things I’m good at and reading it every day
✿ The self-love workbook — I’m obsessed with it and you can get it here. I got it as a gift and it’s 8 chapters that I’m splitting to do throughout 8 months. I started it in January and in the 3 months it has positively impacted me so much
Ultimately, angels, positive self-talk is rooted in self-love and self-love is the core for respect and care for yourself and the love for others. It's so important to have self-love and to nourish it because as you change, so will you have to adapt your self-talk and self-love to still include and fit the person you are becoming. Always love yourself because you are divine and beautiful and perfect and protected by the vibrations and kindness of the universe.
Do you have any tools for bettering self-talk or any comments? Share with us below <3
Until next time,
Stay present in the now and give yourself lots of love and care in your thoughts ~
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