So I thought we’d get real today and talk about a topic that we really need to address because I think so many of the world’s and people’s problems are rooted in this. Generational trauma. Since I started therapy almost a year ago, I’ve taken on tackling my problems and the negative effects they've had on my life and mental state and it lead me to discover that I need to do some serious healing and the healing isn’t just mine but it’s pretty much my entire bloodline. Dramatic? Not one bit because the truth is that generational trauma is very much a real thing that we carry with us and pass down to generations to come.
Trigger Warning: talks of addiction, alcoholism, negative self talk.
Also disclosure: I'm not a licensed or qualified by any means for psychological advice, I'm just sharing my experiences and tips that have worked for me to get through the trauma.
How I realised I have generational trauma
So let me tell you my story of how I realised this was something I really needed to work on. One day not too long ago, I woke up with a scratched eye. Have you ever woken up in pain? It’s probably in the top 3 worst ways to wake up (we can get into the other two at another time). So that already set me off to having a shitty day. I also wear contacts and don’t have glasses so this set me on a path of not having a good day at all. I had to look out of the corner of my eyes all day, which is super fucking inconvenient if you ask me. So let’s recap, I’m blind, grumpy, sad and absolutely upset. Nick (my bf) had to work that day too so he couldn’t take care of me, so on top of everything, now I felt abandoned.
P.S. I’m definitely spiralling at this point. I keep wondering why this is happening to me and oh, I’m definitely in tears as well. Thankfully, I was able to realise this (shoutout to my therapist teaching me an awareness of my spirals and how to slow down). I have this pattern of victimisation and path of pure self-hatred I go down. So I decided to be proactive. Nick suggested I listen to a podcast since I couldn’t see and I decided I should do that. I found one that was specifically about self-love because I realised that’s where I’m lacking the most. The podcast I found was The Self Love Fix and I started binge listening to it. One of the episodes was about generational trauma and the more I listened to it, the more I realised that’s what has been bothering me. That's what I needed to heal.
It wasn’t just my personal trauma and my negative experiences that I've been facing. It’s my dad’s. And my mom’s too a bit. But mainly my dad's. Y’all we need to end toxic masculinity like yesterday. Because the thing is, his trauma came from his mom and her’s probably came from her parents and so on and so forth but because men aren't allowed to have feelings I don't think he's ever acknowledged how much of his pain and toxic traits were given to him directly by his parents.
I realised at that moment too that the reason oftentimes I’m scared of having kids is because I don’t want my kids to go through what I went through. I don’t want to pass down these traumas and behaviours and awful tendencies to them.
And okay I'm not saying I had a horrible childhood but shit happens and the grass is always greener and everyone's reality and perception is real and important to them. And it’s not like our parents' generation (Gen X for mine) were ever taught about the importance of mental health or how to go about improving it either. So you almost can’t blame them or even change them (encourage maybe). Instead, what you can do is focus on what you can control. So let’s talk more about what I realised I could control.
Starting to heal generational trauma
The things that I realised I have accidentally inherited are explosive emotionality, self-sabotaging, alcohol-dependent tendencies and neurotic behaviour. It’s honestly an absolute shitshow if you really start thinking about it especially because they all tie into each other but they’re not all exclusively dependent. So if I take one away, the other 2 will still be thriving in me. Identifying these issues though has been helpful in the journey to start my healing. And it has been one hell of a process.
It’s one of those things that I think I’ve been aware of but never really knew how to approach. As I said, I’m in therapy so that helps unpack things and I get advice on what I can do and how I can be better and grow and learn to vibrate on a higher level but sometimes therapy can be an instant gratification tool - you feel great when you do it and it lasts for a period of time but after that, since our brains are quite elastic, they often bounce back to how they’re used to being. So if you have something you need to heal, you really need to put work in. And it’s literally like going to work.
So knowing this and combined with what I learned from The Pattern (an app that uses birth charts to offer “a psychological blueprint of one’s self” in the journey of self-discovery) according to which I’m going through a Release & Advance Timing right now, I decided that I’m going to take time out of my day every day to do the work. To really take time to heal me. When I first thought of this, I thought of doing a 70-day journey kind of thing but work like this is hard and so when I set out on the 70-day journey, in the beginning, I kind of avoided it by staying so busy with other things to where I could justify why I didn’t do healing work on that day. The other night though things got really bad.
I was in a horrible place mentally. I mean horrible. I was crying on and off all day. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. It was just sadness and frustration and anger all rolled into one. And some of my inheritances came out. I was emotionally explosive and I fucking self-sabotaged. I exploded on Nick and it was dirty. Not messy. Messy is child’s play as to what happened. I was horribly mean to him to the point that he got up to go sleep on the couch. And that’s when it hit me. I’m not crazy like I kept saying that night I was, I just have issues that I’m unwilling to really face and work through and heal because of how scary and hard that is. But that was it. That was the last straw. When the thought and feeling of losing him really set into my bones and I was scared shitless.
The next day I opened a new Google Doc, titled it 'healing' and made a plan. Now every day I’ve been really putting in the time and effort and the work I need to do in order to heal and I feel like this is something that a lot of us go through so I wanted to share a little bit about how you can do that yourself.
Healing generational trauma
◆ Identify exactly what are the behavioural characteristics and/or personality traits that are negative and have been passed down to you
◆ Once you face the issues, it can be quite hard (I cried for literally 4 days about it and I still cry on and off during the active process of healing)
◆ Tell yourself it is not your fault — you truly are not at fault for carrying this weight, you were just a child who was around tendencies that have imprinted on you but also rememeber that this isn't an excuse to use to justify your behaviours
◆ Schedule your healing time — figure out how many times during the week you want to spend really focusing on unpacking and healing; I’d recommend setting aside at least an hour on the days you decide to do it
Tools for healing
During the healing time, some of the things that I’ve found helpful are:
⚘ Journaling: sit for the time you have allocated and think about what you’re trying to heal and start writing and keep writing every single thing that comes to mind
⚘ Meditation: whatever time you have, find that length meditation on YouTube and give yourself to your breathing and grounding
⚘ Reading self-help books around what you are trying to heal: workbooks are also great like ones that have activities you can do
⚘ Recognising your boundaries: with yourself and others
⚘ Talking to a professional
⚘ Listening to a podcast around what you are trying to heal: episodes or full shoes dedicated to it, just start listening; there are so many podcasts out there, you’ll be surprised what you can find
The journey to healing is a lifelong one probably (I don't want to say for sure because I'm not a specialist). I think things that are so ingrained in you stick around. But if you grow bigger than that trauma and negative energy, it’ll become smaller and smaller in you and one day you’ll be so much larger than that to where if these tendencies, thoughts, behaviours, actions even come up in your mind, they’ll be such a whisper to where you will acknowledge it and let it pass without even a moment’s attachment.
What are your opinions on generational trauma? Comment below <3 This is a safe space so please refrain from any negative comments ◎
Until next time, stay present in the now and remember to heal